Caregiving and Intentions

I don't know what I intended when I first started this blog.  Completely inexperienced, I intended to write a little every day.  Then it went to every few days.  I soon realized that, as a full time care giver as well as being employed full time I couldn't fit the time or energy needed to keep this up.  Now it's become just a launching place for getting my art on Pinterest and a place for me to give voice to feelings that I used to post on Facebook.  I came to the understanding (slowlyl, I admit) that "friends" on Facebook don't want regular updates on things that aren't going well or are painful.  They want to see what makes them laugh or feel good but don't truly want to share your life.  I suddenly realized how completely alone I am in all this.  People don't want to know that you're so physically and emotionally exhausted that you can fall asleep standing up...but you don't dare!  They don't care to share when you cry from the pain of watching a loved one's slow painful deterioration...your sense of utter helplessness to do anything to relieve their pain or make things better. 

So I'll talk to you Dear Diary.  It helps.

Light at the end of the tunnel?

Finished gutting the basement from the flood damage today!  Filled a large dumpster but had a bit left over so they emptied it and we'll put the rest in tomorrow.  There will be extra space so I'll get to get rid of some things that have been just taking up space for a long time!  Dad's pneumonia is improving so that takes a huge worry off my mind.  Lots to do tomorrow but I have 6 days vacation so I'm going to dedicate one of them to my flowers.  Have to get back to my art...it's my therapy!  A lot of tomorrow will be spent playing catch up in the gardens.  Can't wait.  When I'm in my gardens or working with my flowers I feel God's presence so closely.  It brings me such peace.

Never say, "It could be worse"!

Haven't gotten to press flower in about a week now!  Don't know when I'll get to go back to that.  We got massive amounts of rain Wednesday which caused widespread flooding.  The city storm sewers couldn't handle it all and began backing up.  We ended up with 17 inches of water in our basement! Every moment since has been spent taking care of Dad (the flooding took a huge toll on him) and trying to get it all cleaned up.  My insurance company doesn't want to pay because I didn't have flood insurance.  Why would I?  I don't live anywhere near any body or stream of water!  I'm fighting them on it.  Have to replace the freezer, washer and dryer.  Lucked out on the water heater and boiler.  We were lucky though.  Many had actual sewage back up into their basements.  We didn't...just excess rainfall.  Finally have the basement gutted and I'm exhausted.  Hope the rest of the summer is a little drier!

A Turning Point?

Lots of flowers to press now but, today I just took off from them and relaxed with Dad.  I see him slipping away now and I don't want to miss any moments with him.  The episode last week frightened both of us a lot and I've never felt such pain.  It hurt so much to see the fear and pain in his eyes and not be able to do anything to take it away.  After several consultations I'm armed with a lot of info and tips on how to mitigate the episodes but just making them easier to deal with is like putting a band aid on a severed limb!

They tell me fugue-like episodes are part of progressing dementia (that's really such an ugly term) and will continue and most likely increase.  Now that's really something to look forward to!  It seems so unfair to have lived your whole life for others and then come to this state...

A much blessed Saturday

After a while of dealing with health issues with Dad today was such a blessing.  Took a few days off for the holiday weekend and really enjoyed it.  Managed to get my hands on some branches of white, light pink and dark pink crab apple blossoms today so worked on getting some of them on presses this afternoon.  Went out after church about 6:30 this evening just intending to water the things waiting to be planted and decided to go ahead and get a couple in the ground.  Dad joined me and by the time we realized the time, it was 9 PM!  Good thing we ate a bite at Talia's graduation party before church or we would have missed supper!  Got so much done and came in so relaxed.  I love working with God's beauty.  Decided to go ahead and get the rest of the crab apple blossoms on presses before heading to bed so they'd still look fresh.  May try to get some more tomorrow (actually, later today I guess) because they are gorgeous.  Thank you Lord for such a beautiful blessed day.

Had Dad in for a checkup Friday and his blood was way too thin.  His BP was extremely low so they made adjustments.  Now, Sunday, the bleeding appears to be back!  God please give me strength, this roller coaster ride is taking a toll.  Maybe if it warmed up and we could get outside things wouldn't seem so downward oriented.  I don't think spring is coming.  We seem to have lost the four distinct seasons we used to have.  The cold just hangs on a little longer every year.

Sometimes sharing is not a good thing.

I brought some sort of respiratory infection home from work and, in spite of my best efforts, I seem to have shared it with Dad.  For the past 48 hours I've gotten about 8 hours sleep in 2 or 3 hour increments...whenever he's fallen asleep.  I hope it doesn't get any worse because he'd end up in the hospital.  I worry about pneumonia with him at his age.  I know how much he hates to wake me up at night but I keep telling him it's OK.  I know it's scary and a person doesn't like to go through breathing issues and such alone.  Everything happens for a reason according to God's plan and we will get through it.

I need to get some more pictures on here so I can add them to my Pinterest boards.  One of these days I will have the time to figure out how to add items to Etsy.  I'd love to make that place hum! 

Please Lord, give me strecgth.

Why Pain?

You'd think that, as you age and everything else slowly quits functioning, nerves would be less sensitive as well.  Not so!  I've discovered lately that Dad, who never took so much as an aspirin, now has increasing pain no matter what he takes.  Even with some powerful pain medication for bone issues, it takes very little to set off random nerves (especially where the teeth are concerned) in a raging inferno of pain!  No matter what I do it only helps briefly.  I don't know how many more sleepless nights I can handle.

Enough of the pity party.  While I hate seeing him in pain I am, none the less, so thankful and incredibly blessed each day that he wakes up.  Thank you Lord for that gift.
 

Just thoughts

Visited the clinic after a long day at work.  Seems to be getting routine.  Dad had a rough weekend but there doesn't seem to be much they can do.  They feel it's too early, after the internal bleeding (which they never found the source of) to put him back on the blood thinners.  As a result he has episodes of chest pain and difficulty breathing and had to pop several nitro tabs.  Neither of us ever got more than a couple hours sleep at a time through the weekend so I hope tonight goes better.  He hates waking me but he knows I'd rather he do that than for me to find him in the morning!  His memory is going fast since the weeks in the hospital in January.  This weekend we'll have to finish writing his obituary while he can still recalls things he wants in it.  Yay!  I love you Dad. 

It's late Sunday night and I've got to get to bed so I can get up for work in the morning.  It seems like there is no real weekend anymore.  I'm so tired by the time it comes and then I rush to get everything done that Dad needs and all the laundry and cooking for the week.  It's over and I'm as exhausted as I was when it started.  Every once in a while there is a little part of me that feels resentment that there is no "me" time and I feel guilty for that.  Then I think about how completely empty life will seem when Dad's gone and there will be so much time that I will be overwhelmed by it.  As the years have gone by it has come to feel that my purpose in life has been to take care of Mom and Dad.  When they're no longer here...what is my purpose? 

I started this as a way to get my art pieces onto Pinterest but I've decided to use it as a journal of sorts.  I've been a caregiver for 15 years now and it's taken its toll.  There are days when I feel like I couldn't tell you my own name anymore because my whole life seems to be wrapped up in others to the extent that I think I've lost myself.  Caring for Mom was easier because I shared the load with Dad and, at the end, Little Brother joined us to help her on her way.  This time is much harder.  When I came home it was just with the intention of helping Dad take care of Mom.  I never thought beyond her passing.  When she was gone I suddenly realized the journey wasn't over.  Originally I thought God wanted me here for Mom's care but now I believe that was just an added bonus or honor.  I believe He brought me back here because Dad was going to need care and He entrusted me with that privilege.  I hope I can fulfill those wishes.

There are days when I feel like I'm fraying at the seams, if that makes sense.  It's like little bits and pieces are getting worn off on the way and, when Dad's gone, there won't be enough left of me to do anything more with.  When he's having a bad stretch (like the last 2 days) I am so tired and drained that I just want to cry but I feel like if I start I won't be able to stop.