Why Pain?

You'd think that, as you age and everything else slowly quits functioning, nerves would be less sensitive as well.  Not so!  I've discovered lately that Dad, who never took so much as an aspirin, now has increasing pain no matter what he takes.  Even with some powerful pain medication for bone issues, it takes very little to set off random nerves (especially where the teeth are concerned) in a raging inferno of pain!  No matter what I do it only helps briefly.  I don't know how many more sleepless nights I can handle.

Enough of the pity party.  While I hate seeing him in pain I am, none the less, so thankful and incredibly blessed each day that he wakes up.  Thank you Lord for that gift.
 

Just thoughts

Visited the clinic after a long day at work.  Seems to be getting routine.  Dad had a rough weekend but there doesn't seem to be much they can do.  They feel it's too early, after the internal bleeding (which they never found the source of) to put him back on the blood thinners.  As a result he has episodes of chest pain and difficulty breathing and had to pop several nitro tabs.  Neither of us ever got more than a couple hours sleep at a time through the weekend so I hope tonight goes better.  He hates waking me but he knows I'd rather he do that than for me to find him in the morning!  His memory is going fast since the weeks in the hospital in January.  This weekend we'll have to finish writing his obituary while he can still recalls things he wants in it.  Yay!  I love you Dad. 

It's late Sunday night and I've got to get to bed so I can get up for work in the morning.  It seems like there is no real weekend anymore.  I'm so tired by the time it comes and then I rush to get everything done that Dad needs and all the laundry and cooking for the week.  It's over and I'm as exhausted as I was when it started.  Every once in a while there is a little part of me that feels resentment that there is no "me" time and I feel guilty for that.  Then I think about how completely empty life will seem when Dad's gone and there will be so much time that I will be overwhelmed by it.  As the years have gone by it has come to feel that my purpose in life has been to take care of Mom and Dad.  When they're no longer here...what is my purpose? 

I started this as a way to get my art pieces onto Pinterest but I've decided to use it as a journal of sorts.  I've been a caregiver for 15 years now and it's taken its toll.  There are days when I feel like I couldn't tell you my own name anymore because my whole life seems to be wrapped up in others to the extent that I think I've lost myself.  Caring for Mom was easier because I shared the load with Dad and, at the end, Little Brother joined us to help her on her way.  This time is much harder.  When I came home it was just with the intention of helping Dad take care of Mom.  I never thought beyond her passing.  When she was gone I suddenly realized the journey wasn't over.  Originally I thought God wanted me here for Mom's care but now I believe that was just an added bonus or honor.  I believe He brought me back here because Dad was going to need care and He entrusted me with that privilege.  I hope I can fulfill those wishes.

There are days when I feel like I'm fraying at the seams, if that makes sense.  It's like little bits and pieces are getting worn off on the way and, when Dad's gone, there won't be enough left of me to do anything more with.  When he's having a bad stretch (like the last 2 days) I am so tired and drained that I just want to cry but I feel like if I start I won't be able to stop.